This past weekend I went to New Albany, Indiana. It is an extremely small town on the other side of the Ohio River from Louisville. I’m not sure that it has much charm, but it does have an enormous amount of Rally’s which is a burger joint that should be closed down in every location. In some sense it’s like every other fast food burger place, but it’s definitely the Totino’s Pizza of them all. I didn’t see a single one of their buildings that looked like it had running water inside. That’s the kind of town New Albany is.
Doesn’t it look like they might serve gas?
I went to this small town because my boyfriend was taking part in a Superman themed wedding. I think some of you read that and it sounded cool in your mind, but we were quite certain we’d be witnessing a massacre. The couples engagement photos had the bride leaning over the groom, opening his buttoned up shirt to reveal his Superman shirt underneath. I think the part that bothered me the most was that instead of a white shirt, it was purple and blue stripes. Luckily for the groom and his obsession with Superman, his last name is Smith. Therefore all the invitations had ‘THE SMITHS’ with Superman logos imbedded.
Truthfully I wasn’t originally invited. I have never been formally invited to a single wedding for what I believe to be good reason most of the time. My boyfriend was asked to be a groomsman despite the fact that he wouldn’t have even invited the groom to his own wedding, they sent him an invitation reserving one seat. One. We had to personally ask if I could attend and on the rehearsal dinner invitation, they neatly wrote in my name next to his. After I saw the engagement photos, I thought I couldn’t miss out on this opportunity for anything. If there was an event I was destined to arrive at and live-tweet, this was going to be it.
At the rehearsal dinner, I was introduced to roughly 100 new people and was fortunate enough to end up at the table with the bride and groom. I learned that she wanted a brightly colored wedding and suggested the Superman theme. He reportedly gave her three chances to say no and then proposed. I see what she did there. They were proud to be the first ever couple to have an all DC Comics themed wedding because all the others mixed DC and Marvel and apparently you can’t do that. I was told if I wanted to have some real fun, I could ask the groom if Batman was a real superhero or not. This was serious.
When I dropped my boyfriend off to take the photos for the wedding, I considered staying to watch them all unbutton their shirts to reveal their superhero identities, but decided I preferred to pre-game the wedding. After hearing about the promises of copious amounts of alcohol before the ceremony, I thought I would have to show up drunk to be even with my boyfriend when we finally got to be together again.
I regretfully chose to not drink before the wedding when I recalled that I had brought ankle-snapping high heels. I had seen enough episodes of ‘Four Weddings’ on TLC though to know that the cocktail hour after the ceremony would provide me with free booze and I thought I would catch up then.
Ignore my hideous smile here and admire my shoes.
The ceremony was about to begin and luckily I had grabbed a seat in a back corner in the back row. Since I had never attended a wedding, I didn’t know really what to expect and because I half expected her to come out in a Superman cape, I wanted to be able to hide my laughter. The music selection was quite beautiful and her dress was stunning. The groom was in red, the bridal party in blue, and she had a red ribbon up her corset in the back. The theme was toned down to the potential of mistaking it as a primary colors themed wedding and it was visually appealing. The groom waited until the bride walked down the aisle to lay eyes on her for the first time and his tears brought out tears in most of the crowd.
It was all quite pleasant except for when the bride agreed to be a servant to her groom under the name of god and then the minister referred to the groom as ‘you people’ and I lost control of my laughter because the groom happens to be black. I was seated next to an older gentlemen and had to pretend I was sneezing multiple times. The wedded couple jumped the broom for the African tradition and then they played ‘Forever’ by Chris Brown on their way out of the ceremony. I think that was my favorite part mostly because it reminded me of Jim and Pam’s wedding from ‘The Office’.
If you didn’t cry during this you’re not human.
During cocktail hour I grabbed wine and started taking bets for how many glasses I could drink before I fell down in my heels. I assume that is one of the reasons I do not get invited to weddings. I began live tweeting about the placement of bets and the bacon wrapped sausages at the cocktail hour and then was misfortunate enough to meet the ‘girls who wear pink to weddings’ group.
When we returned upstairs I refused to sit at my correct table because it was with the bridal party who was absent and so I followed my only friends upstairs. I got the table to start playing ‘Four Weddings’ and there was much debate over whether the crayons and connect-the-dots coloring sheet added or subtracted from the category of ‘overall experience’. I obnoxiously was the only person standing when they announced the bridal party because I had yet to move to my actual seat. With each couple they played theme music specific to the superhero and mid-walk each ripped open their shirt to reveal their secret identities. A guest claimed they kept the Justice League theme classy, but I couldn’t get over the cheesy factor.
Over the course of the reception I live-tweeted my wine glass count, booty danced alongside the groom, chugged a beer with some old folks, asked the wedding photographer to take my photo, and accidentally drank all my wine and had to do the toasts following each speech empty handed. Everything felt like such a production. The bride had two maid-of-honors who both gave boring toasts and the best man’s was equally as disappointing.
I had always thought I would never want to get married, but that I wanted to have a wedding, but I started to change my mind. The bride and groom consistently looked happy and enthusiastic, but as I watched them I didn’t see how they had a moment to breathe and take it all in. They were either thanking the guests, cutting the cake, listening to speeches, participating in specific dances, throwing the bouquet, talking about logistics of the after party, or the hotel, or the gifts, it was non-stop-madness. I don’t think I could do it.
See they look really happy.
I lasted in my heels the entire time without a single fall. I even managed to get through all the hops of the ‘four hops this time’ without the slightest spill. I tweeted about this and then we headed to the after party where I somehow managed to freely partake in every shot with the bridal party and convinced the band to give me the microphone to sing ‘Billionaire’ by Travey McCoy.
I expected the wedding to be a disaster. I thought it would look hideous, I thought it wouldn’t feel genuine, I thought it would be a cheese-fest, but it wasn’t. Overall it was quite lovely and most importantly they looked happy and I realized that maybe that was all the mattered. Those of us getting blacked out drunk including the groom eventually are what changed the ‘classiness’ of the wedding, for better or for worse, I honestly can’t say.
WONDER WOMAN MEETS SUPERMAN THREESOME